


Wish I Were Charlie

by LIKEABOSS1234



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Confusion, Hurt/Comfort, Inspired by Heather by Conan Gray, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Music, Sadness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-18
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:34:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25357063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LIKEABOSS1234/pseuds/LIKEABOSS1234
Summary: The gang goes to one of Zach's performances and some hidden feelings are uncovered.---Based on Heather by Conan Gray
Relationships: Charlie St. George/Alex Standall, Zach Dempsey/Alex Standall
Comments: 5
Kudos: 39





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I had to change the lyrics slightly to make the song fit the story so don't worry about words not sounding right in the context of the song.

Alex smiles at the outside of Monet’s. The gang wanted to surprise Zach for his first performance. It was technically a project for his school, but they still wanted to go and support him. The group walks in and sees Zach getting ready onstage. His teacher sits off to the side of the stage. They walk to a bigger table and sit together. Zach sits on the stool with his acoustic guitar in hand.

“Hi everyone, this assignment for my class was to say something you wish could say through song,” Zach says. 

He plays the opening chords and takes a deep breath. He begins to sing.

Alex watches happily as Zach follows past Alex’s dream. He wished it could’ve been him on the stage, but at the same time, he was so happy for Zach. Zach sounded amazing with both his guitar and vocals. Zach gets to the chorus and Alex listens.

_ Why would you ever kiss me? _

_ I’m not even half as pretty.  _

_ You gave him your sweater _

That catches Alex off guard. Alex knew from what Zach told him that Chloe and her boyfriend broke up so why would he be saying him instead of sticking to the original song? Then it comes and Zach locks eyes with Alex on complete accident when it happens.

_ But you like him better, _

_ Wish I were Charlie _

Alex sees Zach eyes panic a little whenever he says that. He didn’t realize they were there. Alex felt bad. He knew Zach felt uncomfortable, but he had to finish for his assignment. Alex swears he even sees a tear roll down Zach’s cheek.

Alex gets up to walk outside, so many emotions bouncing around in his head. His first ever male crush liked him back all of a sudden. What? It probably wasn’t as sudden as he thought it was, but this was also the same boy who told him he didn’t like guys. Alex didn’t know what to think as he gets to the door. He hears the lyrics Zach sings as he walks out the door.

_ But how could I hate him? _

_ He’s such an angel _

Alex pushes himself out the door even faster. Those lyrics make him think about what Zach had told him about Charlie over the summer when they hung out one time.

He had told Zach about how Charlie was always crowding him and never let him have anytime to himself. That had been one of the only times he actually got to hang out with Zach all summer, just the two of them. Zach had told him Charlie was angel and would understand if he told him not to get in his personal space. He did talk to Charlie about it and it worked...for about a week. Then Charlie was back to his normal self.

He knew, given the choice between the two, he’d probably pick Zach. Zach had been through everything with him. Charlie was completely new to his world and what they’d all been through so every time he’d choose Zach. 

He hears friends calling his name. He looks up to see Charlie staring directly at him, bombarding him with questions. His arms are on Alex’s shoulder and he’s really close to Alex’s face. Like he said, barely worked for a week. It feels like he can’t breathe. His chest feels very tight and he’s breathing heavily.

“I can’t breathe,” Alex says. Tony comes over and starts trying to calm him down, but Alex pushes both him and Charlie away and sits on the ground, curling in on himself. He hears the door to Monet’s open and hears Zach ask what happened.

He came out here right after his song to check on Alex.

“Alex, Alex. Listen to my voice, please, listen to my voice. Guys, go back inside. We need to talk alone,” Zach tells them. For the most part, everyone does, except one person. Charlie pushes Zach’s chest.

“Why?  So you can steal my boyfriend?” Charlie says, almost like he’s challenging Zach.

“No because this is my fault and I want to make sure he’s okay,” Zach says. Neither boy seems to hear Alex start to hyperventilate on the ground behind them.

“I’ve got him. Just go inside, Zach,” Charlie demands.

“Really, then why is he not calm if you got this and can take care of him? Then why don’t you listen to him when he says he needs space?” Zach pushes back.

“You don’t know shit Dempsey,” Charlie says.

“Well I know a hell of a lot more than you because I have actually known Alex for years and you’ve known him since the beginning of last school year. We’re not even going to mention how rudely you talked about him when you were friends with Monty, especially since, as you say, you’ve been in love with him since the first time you saw him,” Zach says.

“I’ve changed since I was friends with Monty,” Charlie says, getting angrier by the second.

“Really because I don’t see a difference,” Zach says.

“Fuck you, Zach. Go back inside,” Charlie demands again.

“No,” Zach says.

“And why not?” Charlie asks.

“Because Alex is my best friend,” Zach says, stepping closer to Charlie.

“Well, he’s my boyfriend,” Charlie says, doing the exact same thing.

Charlie looks like he’s about throw a punch at Zach when Alex’s voice rings out.

“Guys, stop!” Alex yells from his place on the ground. He’d been going through the scenarios of how this would go in his head, which made him more overwhelmed, but he knew he didn’t want the two of them to fight. He knew he had thick tears streaming down his face, but despite that, in a small, quiet, almost broken voice, he says, “Please...stop.”

The two boys look down at him and see the damage they partially caused. Alex had tears running down his face, his eyes were starting to not focus on specific things, he was about to go  _ out.  _

“Alex, listen to me. I need you to focus on the sound of my voice. Please, Alex,” Alex eyes lock with Zach’s. They focus there and Zach can feel Alex breathing steady a bit. “Good. That’s good Alex. Just breathe and focus. We’re right here.”

Charlie seems to get the hint to stay a bit away. Alex was scared and confused and Zach did know how to handle this better than Charlie did, no matter how much research Charlie put into the subject. Zach had been on the wrong end of Alex’s anger, sadness, panic attacks, etc. way more than Charlie. 

Zach watches as Alex comes back to. He sees his eyes dart from himself over to Charlie. Alex sighs deeply. It’s going to be awkward between the three of them now. 


	2. Chapter 2

Alex goes back to Berkeley the next day, as worried as his parents, Zach and Charlie were worried about him. As he lies on his bed, he goes over the events of last night. Zach was talking about how he was jealous of Charlie and their relationship, but at the same time, he said he didn’t like guys. Alex couldn’t exactly know what Zach was thinking during the kiss or his thoughts after so he could have realized his sexuality, but that honestly just made Alex feel worse if Zach was figuring himself out during the time after the kiss and Alex didn’t help him. Alex groans putting his pillow over his head. He just didn’t know what to do.

Charie was perfect, but Alex wasn’t sure he wanted perfect. Perfect made Alex’s life harder because he felt he could never live up to what Charlie needed or deserved. It didn’t matter how many times Charlie said that he loved Alex the way he was, he saw the pity stares from Charlie when he thinks Alex isn’t looking. Not to mention what Zach said last night.

_ We’re not even going to mention how rudely you talked about him when you were friends with Monty, especially since, as you say, you’ve been in love with him since the first time you saw him. _

Alex had to wonder what Zach meant by that. What had Charlie said? Speaking of Zach, he really didn’t know what to do. He’s almost for sure he’d rather be with Zach. Zach was the first boy he loved after all, but Charlie was simple. Zach was so many other things, though. He is charming, most of the time at least, sweet, cares for everyone around him and was honestly just a great person. Alex hears a gentle knock on his dorm’s door. 

“Come in,” He says, figuring it was Jess. Alex had other friends at Berkeley, but Jess was the only one that would come to his dorm at 11:00 p.m. to check on him.

“Hey Rainbow,” Jess says. That was the nickname she’d given him whenever he first came out to her.  She'd already known, of course, because of the whole outing situation, but he still wanted to tell her himself.

“Hey,” Alex says, somewhat miserably.

She had drove him back this morning so she knew the broad strokes of what happened outside of Monet’s, but he hadn’t told her anything about he was feeling about the situation. Jess walks closer and hands him a cupcake. Alex takes it and smiles up at her.

“How are you doing?” Jess asks, sitting next to him. 

“Not great. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to hurt Charlie, but Zach, I think he’s who I truly want to be with,” Alex says. Zach had always been there for him. Whether it was on the roof or the boat or in the locker room that one time. Alex stops. Why was that one of the things that came to mind when thinking of Zach being there for him?

“Then tell Charlie that. He’s a sweet guy, he’ll understand,” Jess says.

“You didn’t see him last night, Jess. He was going to hit Zach,” Alex says. Jess gasps. Alex doesn’t blame her. It’s so unlike Charlie to be so aggressive, even if he is mad.

*****

Earlier, at Liberty High, Zach sits in the coach’s office. He was reading up for one of his music exams when Charlie burst through the door. 

“What the fuck was that last night?” Charlie asks,  angrily .

“I didn’t know you guys were there. I wasn’t planning on telling him,” Zach says.

“Well, he’s going to pick you so shouldn’t you be happy?” Charlie asks, pouting.

“No, I’m not happy because if he does pick me, and he probably won’t, I’ll be wrecking your guys’ relationship and that’s not something I want to do,” Zach says, “Charlie, come sit down.” Zach moves Coach  Kerba’s rolling chair to where it’s straight in front of him. Charlie sits down.

“You make him happy, Zach. You can calm him down. You make him feel safe. Of course, he’ll pick you,” Charlie says to Zach.

“Well, he’s about the only one left who would,” Zach says, self- deprecatingly . 

“Zach, do you seriously not see the way he adores you? I could deal with it when we thought you were straight, but now you told him you are jealous of me, I might break up with him just so he can be happy. He’s not going to want to break up with me, I know it,” Charlie says. Zach knew it too. Charlie hadn’t done anything wrong to Alex so Alex wasn’t going to want to hurt Charlie.

“Don’t break up with him unless he says he’d rather be with me, which he probably won’t,” Zach says, “Please, if you do, you’ll break his heart.”

“I know,” Charlie says, “And if I break his heart, you’re going to go extra hard on me at practice, right?”

“You are very correct,” Zach says. The two boys laugh. It felt good to have talked it out, even if they didn’t know who Alex was going to pick. Little did they know the crisis Alex would go through.

*****

Alex lies in bed. Jess had left him about ten minutes ago as she had an 8 a.m. the next morning. Alex’s first class was not only easy, but also at 11 so he had plenty of time to stress and think. He gets out of bed and decides to go to the library because even though it’s a Monday night, someone on his floor was being very loud and obnoxious. 

He gets to the huge library and hides himself in a corner. It’s not like anyone else was there. His phone buzzes in his pocket. Taking it out, he’s sees that it’s Zach. He rejects the call. Zach tries again, Alex rejects it again. Zach, then starts texting.

_ Hey, I know you need time to process everything, but I’m here. _

_ We could talk _

Alex rolls his eyes at the texts. Doesn’t Zach realize he was the reason this decision is so hard? Two more texts come.

_ I’m sorry for the song. I know that doesn’t help but just letting you know _

_ Charlie and I talked it out if that means anything _

What had Zach and Charlie talked about? Alex didn’t know.

_ Everything’s fine, if you are worried _

_ Charlie really thinks you’re going to choose me over him. How crazy is that _

‘Not as crazy as you would think,’ Alex thinks to himself. Alex came to the library in the first place to try and think of a way to let Charlie down easy. This library had become Alex’s safe space. It was a place he could hide easily and have all the books he could ever want. It was quiet and no one questioned him. His phone buzzes again.

_ Can I drive up there to meet you _

And for the first time, Alex texts back.

** Yes **

_ Omw _

Zach knew the library was Alex’s safe place and would probably try to come there first when he got here. It would also be like an hour and a half before Zach got here so Alex just sat there, thinking.

How was he going to tell Zach he was the one Alex wanted to be with? He had absolutely no idea. He looks at the background on his phone. It was a picture of Zach, Charlie and himself. It was from the first game of the season. Alex’s mom suggested they take it so Alex could have a picture of both his boyfriend and his best friend while he was at college. I wonder if his mom knew that he liked Zach or just actually thought he’d want that picture. It was a good picture to look at when he was sad and Alex was starting to wonder if it was because Zach was in. Zach always had a way of calming Alex down. Zach was good at a lot of things, but that was what he was the best at. Caring for Alex. 

Alex didn’t realize he’d started to cry. He had always been an emotional person who would cry over anything, but it got especially worse after his TBI. Alex wipes his eyes. This wasn’t something he should be crying over. He really liked and Zach seemed to like him, but there was a problem. Charlie. Charlie had done nothing wrong so Alex didn’t want to break up with him. Charlie would probably think he was ditching him for Zach, which was kind of the case, but not exactly. Alex groans. This was too much to think about. He lays his head down on the table.

“Would you want something to eat with your pouting?” Zach asks, teasingly, “Please say yes. I already got you food.”

“I mean yeah, I guess,” Alex says, “I’m not pouting. I don’t pout.”

“Uh-huh, no I believe you,” Zach says, laughing. He sits down a bag of Jack-In-The-Box. Alex rolls his eyes and grabs the bag. 

“Thank you,” Alex says. 

“Do you want to let me down gently or break my heart?” Zach asks, sadly. Wait, what? Zach had to know that Alex was going to choose him.

“Zach, what are you on about?” Alex asks, confused. 

“Isn’t that why you told me to come here? To tell me you’re staying with Charlie?” Zach asks, now also confused, “I mean Charlie is perfect.”

“Two things, you asked if you could come, and do you really think I’d make you drive an hour and a half so I could tell you that I didn’t like you like that?” Alex asks, rhetorically. 

“I mean, maybe, I don’t know. I’m nothing compared to Charlie,” Zach says.

“Would you stop that?” Alex exclaims, quietly.

“What?” Zach asks.

“Stop talking bad about yourself. You remember how it hurt you to hear me talk about myself badly? Well, it feels the same when you do it,” Alex says.

“Oh Alex, I never mean to hurt you,” Zach say, sadly.

“I know, but just please stop putting yourself down like that,” Alex says.

“I’ll try,” Zach says, “Back to the matter at hand, does this mean you pick me?”

Alex nods slowly, scared of Zach’s reaction, even though he knew Zach liked him back or was jealous of Charlie or whatever. A soft “Yeah,” escapes Alex’s throat.

“Well, I guess Charlie’s breaking up with you,” Zach says.

“What?” Alex say, shocked.

“Remember how I said Charlie and I talked?” Alex nods, “Well, he said that he might break up with you if it meant you’d be happier with me and I told him not to do that until we knew for sure who you liked better.” 

“Well, I like you a lot, if that means anything,” Alex says, smiling and eating some fries.

“Yes, actually, it means the world,” Zach says. Alex’s face heats up, but he refuses to let Zach see that.

“Do you want to go back to my dorm? We could talk some more there,” Alex says. Zach nods and follows Alex.

They get to Alex’s room and Alex moves the clothes pin on his ‘Where  To Find Me’ board to sleeping. They go inside and Alex sits on his bed. Zach sits next to Alex. 

“I should probably call Charlie,” Alex says. He grabs his phone, putting it on charge before finding Charlie’s name. 

“Hey,” Alex says when Charlie picks up.

“Hi,” Charlie says.

“How are you doing?” Alex asks.

“I know you chose Zach or are going to choose him and I think you should be with him Al. You’re always so happy when he’s around, he makes you better, he does things that I never could so please don’t let me stop you from that,” Charlie says.

“That is literally the sweetest way to break-up with someone,” Alex laughs.

“It’s what I’m known for and we’ll still be friends so it’s fine,” Charlie says.

“Yeah, we will,” Alex says.

“Goodnight Alex,” Charlie says.

“Goodnight Charlie,” Alex says then hangs up. 

“Well that sounded like it went good,” Zach says from where he’d laid down next to Alex.

“Went well, Zach, and yeah, it did. He was surprising chill about everything,” Alex says.

“Okay, Mister English Major. Lay down, it’s late,” Zach says, reaching his arms out like a little kid. Alex lays down beside and feels Zach’s long arms wrap around him. He snuggles closely into Zach chest as Zach pulls his blanket over the two of them. Of course, his blanket didn’t completely cover Zach since, you know, he’s a giant.

“I thought we were coming back here to talk?” Alex says.

“Nope, it’s late and I’m not driving an hour and a half back at 2:00 a.m. so I am staying the night here and going to give you cuddles and love,” Zach says, smiling. Alex rolls his eyes, but there’s huge smile on his face.

He wouldn’t have it any other way.

**Author's Note:**

> Twitter: https://twitter.com/flash_gotta


End file.
